I wish i could remember when this actually happened. I suppose that's the biggest problem with ingesting vast amounts of alcohol. You just cant remember all the details. Well i definitely remember enough that it makes for one of my best stories.
One night around 3am me my wife and one other person that alcohol erased from my memory went to a Kings Restaurant for some late night grubbage. All 3 of us were quite intoxicated. Now this particular restaurant is a safe haven for underage drunks and over aged drug addicts. Being somewhere in the middle of those two categories, it was an appropriate place to be.
We sit down and order ourselves some delicious grease infused breakfast foodstuffs. I honestly don't know why i went there as often as i did. My wife and i were on a first name basis with the entire night shift there. We would show up after a night of heavy drinking, order large amounts of food, scarf it all down in greasy inebriated bliss then go home for freaky drunk sex. We would both wake up the next morning with stomach pains and explosive diarrhea. Very happy that i no longer frequent that establishment.
Anywho, after we ordered our food, i went to the bathroom. On the way there i notice a sizable group of girls. They all appear to be in the 18 to 20 range and every last one of them is wearing a formal dress. I vaguely remember it being cold outside so i don't think it was an actual prom, but they were dressed up for something. They were just standing around chatting like women do blocking the entrance to the men's room. As i wormed my way through the throng of bright pink and hairspray i couldn't quite figure out who smelled more like alcohol. Them or me.
I make may way into the bathroom and enjoy a not so luxurious piss. Remember, intoxicated teenagers and junkies passed their prime frequent this place. I don't really want to have to describe the bathroom. I finish up, make sure not to touch a damn thing fearing i might contract every STD known to man. and proceed to exit the restroom.
I take approximately two steps through the fashionably drunk girls when i hear one of them say "I don't know. She's passed out on the bathroom floor."
I stop mid stride. I know i should just ignore what i heard and make my way back to my seat. I can see my wife and whoever the hell we were there with sitting comfortably in our booth drinking nice hot sobering coffee with cigarettes burning away. That's definitely where i want to be. But for whatever god damned reason my morality chooses that exact moment to fight its way through the drunken haze that is my consciousness to deny me those simple pleasures.
(Side note: For anyone who might be reading this and are not familiar with who i am. I was a medic for 5 years or so with my local EMS Company.)
I turn to see who said that a some one was passed out in the bathroom. I see one of the overly dressed for this place girls talking into a cell phone. She looks as if she is one small step away from a complete and total nervous break down. Hair sticking out of the massive bun on her head. Tears pulling mascara and god knows what other kinds of makeup all down her face. Short of breath and panicking.
Fuck, i hate moral responsibility. I ask this poor disheveled girl, "Is the passed out girl in the bathroom decent?"
PhoneGirl-"What?"
Me-"Does she still have her clothes on?"
PhoneGirl-"Oh, yeah. That. She's dressed."
The train of thought i have asking that question is the last thing i need is to walk in there to try and help, so that when the cops show up they walk in see me with this half naked girl in the bathroom and me standing over her. Great. Can you say DATE RAPE? I don't need that shit.
So once i know its as safe as i can make it, i walk into the women's bathroom. And in the last stall is another teenage girl passed out. However its not one of our lovely skinny well dressed with low cut cleavage dressed. No. In this particular stall that i am standing right outside of, is a big fatty. A dirty fatty wearing jeans and red sweater. Funny how i cant remember who was keeping my wife company that night while i was being the good guy, but i can remember that this girl was wearing blue jeans and a red sweater.
So there she is, knees on the floor, ass sticking up in the air. And her face and upper body on the ground under the divider in the next stall over. HEHE. I cant help but let out a little giggle while i think to myself, Now theres a picture to send home to mommy. HEHE. I kind lightly kick her in the ass a couple of times saying very loudly "Hey! Are you awake?!?"
Of course she ain't awake. But its worth a shot. and how often do you get to kick a complete stranger in the ass and get away with it scott free. So there i am standing outside of a stall in a women's bathroom trying to figure out if i really want to get myself involved in this or just walk back out and go eat my food when out of no where another good samaritan comes flying passed me and bends down next to the passed out girl.
The good samaritan is a girl. Not one of the dressy girls from right outside the bathroom, but another random stranger. she proceed to grab the passed out girl my the knees and lowers her ass so she is laying flat on her stomach. She then grabs her by the ankles, pulls her towards us just enough so that her head is coming up just short of the toilet. The good samaritan the goes and kneels by her head and grabs C-Spine.
(side note: for the non medically inclined. C-Spine is the process in which you support someones spinal cord in the neck. You use your hands and spreading the fingers grab the patients head on either side to immobilize their head. This is preformed to prevent further damage to the neck and spinal cord. However, you never do this to someone who is laying on there stomach. You essentially cut of there air flow.)
As this horrific scene is playing out in front of me i my patience goes from a small leakage to a full on flood of pure annoyance at the absolute stupidity of the good samaritan. I look down at the good samaritan and in a very loud and intimidating voice ask her, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?!?"
Samaritan-Im a first responder for Crafton, I'm helping her.
Me-Your fucking killing her! I used to be a medic now get the fuck out of the way!
She promptly gets up and steps to the rear. Fucking moron! i have absolutely no patience at this point so i stand over top of the passed out girl, reach down and grab her by the belt and spin her around so that she is laying on her back. I check her pulse which is present, strong and steady. I bend close to her face even though im scarred that she might throw up on me and check for breath sounds. She has nice deep even restorations. This all means that she is perfectly fine. She's sleeping. Someone doesn't know how to hold their alcohol.
I look up and out of the stall and there in all her hysteric glory is the "Proma Queen". Still screaming into her cell phone. The bits and pieces i can make out through her overwhelming sobs i can tell she is talking to a 911 operator. I know this because not only was i once a medic i was also a 911 operator. God i hate my life. I reach up and physically tear the phone our of her hand while saying "Gimme that damned thing". i put the phone up to my ear and say "Hello".
911-Sir, you need to give the phone back to the person who had it before.
Me-Who is this?
911-Sir this is Allegheny County 911. I need you to put the woman back on the phone.
Me-I know this is 911. Whats your name?
911-This is {insert name here, i'd rather let him keep his anonymity}.
Me- Hey {name}! Its jAy!
911-jAy Hinnebusch? No way! How the hell you been?
Me-im good man. Wish i was eating, but im good. How about you?
911-Im good, you know its the same old shit. Hows your brother?
Me-He's good. Still doing the medic thing you know. Glad i got the hell out. So look here what i got. 18 to 20 year old female unresponsive. heart rate 74 strong and steady, normal respirations. dude im telling she just had too much to drink and passed out in the bathroom. I got things covered here the boys on there way?
911-yeah jAy they're about 3 minutes out and the cops should be arriving any second.
Me-Good deal bro. have a good night and tell everyone i said hi.
911-All right jAy. Have a good night and take care.
I hang up the phone and hand it back to the Proma Queen who is still standing there in complete and total hysterics. She looks like she is some kind of train wreck victim. Her eyes are all red and puffy, makeup is smeared all over her face and her hair looks like a hoped up on crack barber just got done 'trying something new'. For the tiniest of moments i fell bad for this girl. She probably left her home tonight excited and giddy. Going to some formal occasion that's the biggest event of her year. hopes and dreams and full of fluffy little butterflies. And then it all came crashing down in this horrible bathroom. She's gonna be scarred for life. Nothing fucks you up like feeling totally helpless. having to be the one to stand there and watch knowing you cant do shit to help. She probably thought that passed out girl was dead or dieing and she was totally useless. That's not something you ever get over. Then my moment of brief humanity passed, i suppress a laugh and give her back her phone.
A few minutes pass which seem like an eternity and then the medics show up. And wouldn't you know it i know both of them. They squeeze into the bathroom with their bags and their stretcher. We have the same kinda conversation that i had with the 911 operator. Which brought looks of pure shock and horror to the proma queen and the good samaritan who were both still standing heir gawking. After our pleasantries i helping with putting on an oxygen mask and then getting passed out girl into the stretcher.
As they are carting her off to the ambulance they tell me thanx i tell them you guys owe me a few beers next night out. They leave and i make my way back to my table. My wife and the guy i cant remember are sitting there with empty plates laughing at me. I sit down look at my plate of cold food and simply say "FUCK! Why me?"
And wouldn't you know after all that fucking bullshit, i relate the whole thing to our waitress while she's heating up my food. Mind you they aren't making me new food. No, they are re-heating my cold as breakfast. She brings it back i take a few bites and realize i ain't really hungry anymore. She brings us the check and we get up to pay.
Now i don't know about you but if i were a restaurant manager and i just had a customer do what i did i would give them whatever they had ordered for free. Did i get that kinda of courtesy? Fuck no. They charged me every damned nickel and dime. Fuckers.
So there you have it. The Proma Queen story. A Best Buy favorite. And one of my personal favorite. If you ever meet me, ask me to tell it to you. Its a whole new story because you get experience it. I am a very animated story teller. Maybe you get lucky enough to one day have that misfortune.
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